Got a toothbrush?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
worst night to have a conscience
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
