Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
