It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
