Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
