i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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