Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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