he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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