you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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