i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
