the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
