I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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