i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
