The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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