I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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