I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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