I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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