You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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