Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
