i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
