If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
