Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my liver is dry heaving
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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