Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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