i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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