I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
