Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
