I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You took a bar mat shot.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
