In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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