My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
