When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
