Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So vagazzling was a success
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
