I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Never underestimate the power of titties
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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