is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
