Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
