There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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