Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
