I'm lost and stupid without you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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