he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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