You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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