I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
