you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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