She is in my trunk
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
