Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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