The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
