he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
