I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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