ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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