you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
