Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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