I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
