Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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