There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
