so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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